Money Ghosts From the Past

Many of the things that block or limit our prosperity are caused by unhealthy beliefs which we may not even know we carry around. I discovered this for myself years ago in a most unpleasant way.

It was early December and I decided to spend the day beginning my Christmas shopping. Normally, I didn’t carry much cash and didn’t have a credit card of my own, but that day I withdrew what seemed like an enormous amount of cash from the bank and headed to downtown Santa Barbara, my hometown at the time.

Almost from the moment I got out of my car, I was gripped with fear. Everyone I passed looked like a mugger to me. After half an hour of this miserable experience, I drove back home empty-handed.

I did, however, get a powerful gift for myself. I realized that I had an unconscious belief that if I had money, people would harm me.

It didn’t take much contemplation to see that unless I changed that belief, I would be unable to ever realize financial success—or ease.

Over the years, I’ve talked to hundreds of people who are carrying around equally destructive money thoughts. That’s really not surprising when you consider how many messages we’ve received about the money over a lifetime.

Although money is a presence in all of our lives, most of us have learned about it (and inherited beliefs from) people that didn’t know that much about it themselves.

If our elders believed, for example, that you either could work for a salary or you could be homeless, we may tremble at the thought of being self-employed and not having a predictable income.

If our elders struggled or argued about money, we may assume that having an adequate income is difficult—or even impossible.

If we undervalue ourselves and what we have to offer the world, we hamper the growth of our businesses.

If you’re married, you may find that you and your partner have different ideas about money matters. As a financial advisor once told me, “Savers tend to marry spenders.”

Then there’s Barbara Stanny’s story. The daughter of one of the founders of H&R Block, Stanny grew up in an affluent household with repeated reminders that she didn’t need to think about money since there was bound to be a man to do that for her.

In her marvelous book, Overcoming Underearning, Stanny  recounts how this attitude led her to lose her substantial inheritance to an unscrupulous husband. She rebounded from the experience determined to educate herself and other women about earning and managing money for themselves.

Having ease with earning, investing, managing and saving money is only possible when we challenge the unhelpful messages and take personal responsibility for our financial lives.

Before we proceed farther with our exploration of money, give some thought to the money messages you grew up with. What was helpful? Healthy? Hurtful?

Define for yourself what it means to have ease in money matters. (Hint: this isn’t about pulling a number out of the air.)

As Stuart Wilde points out, “It’s not just the emotional, intellectual, and physical gaps between you and money. The real gap is always between what you think you want and what you actually want, deep down.”

 

Friend or Foe?

 

On a visit to my daughter in California a few years ago, I saw a story on the local news about the hottest yoga classes in Los Angeles. It wasn’t because they were teaching a new form of yoga that was bringing in droves of practitioners; it was the environment they created. Besides having a serenely lovely studio, a live string quartet played throughout the classes. Blissful.

 

It was a dramatic contrast to the beat up old van we’d see parked around Encino bearing a big sign saying, “Yoga. First class free.” Jennie and I had decided that van did not look like a vehicle belonging to someone who had found inner peace. 

 

Same service, very different messages.

 

When it comes to talking about money, there are also vividly contrasting messages. Ever heard anyone say:

 

How much did that set you back?

 

I don’t know. Looks pretty spendy to me.

 

Wonder what scam they ran to get their money? 

 

Do you think money grows on trees?

 

In his book Relax Into Wealth, Alan Cohen succinctly captures the difference between those who view money as the enemy and those who see it as a trusted friend. He writes, “Money is not the answer to our prosperity problems. Wisdom is the answer. The only thing more valuable than money is knowing what to do with it. If someone does not know how to use money wisely, no amount of money will help them. If someone has a good money consciousness, they can take a tiny seed and grow it into a lush garden. If they have a poor money consciousness, they can take a huge gift and squander it in short order. Money is not the root of all evil; ignorance is.”

 

If you’re carrying around unhelpful attitudes about money, if you’ve inherited your elders’ own ambivalence about it, you’ll be broadcasting it as loudly as the owner of that beat up van. It’s nearly impossible to create a joyfully jobless life without creating a healthy relationship with money. The good news is that examining and changing poverty attitudes is not that difficult, although it does require vigilance. 

 

Promise yourself that you’ll never be a person who thinks of spending money as “setting you back” or that wealth is only possible for the dishonest. Most of all, consider what Jerry Gilles says in Moneylove: “Working at something just for the money is an act of poverty consciousness at its worst. It’s saying to yourself, ‘I haven’t the talent or imagination to earn money doing something I really enjoy.’”

 

There are numerous books that can be helpful in transforming our relationship with money. Alan Cohen’s Relax Into Wealth that I mentioned earlier is a great introduction, as as Earn What You Deserve by Jerrold Mundis. Unfortunately, Jerry Gilles’ Moneylove is long out of print, but if you can track down a copy, it’s worth it.