Many of the things that block or limit our prosperity are caused by unhealthy beliefs which we may not even know we carry around. I discovered this for myself years ago in a most unpleasant way.
It was early December and I decided to spend the day beginning my Christmas shopping. Normally, I didn’t carry much cash and didn’t have a credit card of my own, but that day I withdrew what seemed like an enormous amount of cash from the bank and headed to downtown Santa Barbara, my hometown at the time.
Almost from the moment I got out of my car, I was gripped with fear. Everyone I passed looked like a mugger to me. After half an hour of this miserable experience, I drove back home empty-handed.
I did, however, get a powerful gift for myself. I realized that I had an unconscious belief that if I had money, people would harm me.
It didn’t take much contemplation to see that unless I changed that belief, I would be unable to ever realize financial success—or ease.
Over the years, I’ve talked to hundreds of people who are carrying around equally destructive money thoughts. That’s really not surprising when you consider how many messages we’ve received about the money over a lifetime.
Although money is a presence in all of our lives, most of us have learned about it (and inherited beliefs from) people that didn’t know that much about it themselves.
If our elders believed, for example, that you either could work for a salary or you could be homeless, we may tremble at the thought of being self-employed and not having a predictable income.
If our elders struggled or argued about money, we may assume that having an adequate income is difficult—or even impossible.
If we undervalue ourselves and what we have to offer the world, we hamper the growth of our businesses.
If you’re married, you may find that you and your partner have different ideas about money matters. As a financial advisor once told me, “Savers tend to marry spenders.”
Then there’s Barbara Stanny’s story. The daughter of one of the founders of H&R Block, Stanny grew up in an affluent household with repeated reminders that she didn’t need to think about money since there was bound to be a man to do that for her.
In her marvelous book, Overcoming Underearning, Stanny recounts how this attitude led her to lose her substantial inheritance to an unscrupulous husband. She rebounded from the experience determined to educate herself and other women about earning and managing money for themselves.
Having ease with earning, investing, managing and saving money is only possible when we challenge the unhelpful messages and take personal responsibility for our financial lives.
Before we proceed farther with our exploration of money, give some thought to the money messages you grew up with. What was helpful? Healthy? Hurtful?
Define for yourself what it means to have ease in money matters. (Hint: this isn’t about pulling a number out of the air.)
As Stuart Wilde points out, “It’s not just the emotional, intellectual, and physical gaps between you and money. The real gap is always between what you think you want and what you actually want, deep down.”
Thank you for speaking to this issue.
I love Barbara Stanny and her great work. She is immensely kind to the women who are on her free calls. I am in the midst of unpacking my stuff around money, debt and underearning. I am grateful to the money programs where I can get support and guidance.
Yesterday I listened to a call and the guest asked, “How many (life) purposes were you given as a child that you are still trying to live up to?” He went on to say you can’t create your future on someone else’s dream for your life. I thought it related well to issues I have around money, success and living a big(ger) life. If I carry some life purpose that has me waiting for Prince Charming (as Barbara Stanny talks about in her books) then I may never carve out my own life. Defining my life means tossing out some outdated life purposes I have been trying to follow.
Vagueness around life and money feels like a safe place but in the end it keeps me small.
Barbara,
Excellent post. I’ve been recently exploring how to get rid of unhealthy attitude about money-always assuming that it is a point of contention with my partner when it isn’t. I grew up in a house that was financially stressed and as a result, have a hard time talking about it before tightening up.
Thanks for your wisdom.
Thank you both, Sandra and Katrina, for sharing your thoughts. My own money ghostbusting has been helped enormously by discovering that others wrestled with money craziness. I’m also inspired to hear how others have overcome the nonsense and made peace with financial matters.
This is such a timely topic for me. I left my job in 2010 to focus on following my dream of becoming a self-bosser. Although my parents were excellent with money, and through their example, I learned how to manage my money responsibly, some of their anxieties about money have shaped my negative feelings about money. Growing up, my mother would stress out about money, always worried about some calamity (which never came) that would sink us financially. She and my dad compensated for their fears by saving, saving, saving. Now that I work for myself but am still primarily living off savings, some of those fears have really crept up and bubbled up to the surface for me. I have worked hard to dispel a lot of those fears about money, but they can still periodically be a thorn in my side.
I am really looking forward to seeing this issue of money ghosts from our past being explored.