6 Ways to Move Past Your Doubts and Get On With It

 

It is not an exaggeration to say that we spend our days moving closer to our dreams—or farther away. Every moment that we invest in our goals brings us closer and every moment we ignore the prompting of our hearts takes us somewhere else.

When people tell me that  fear is a huge obstacle, I am quit certain that they have misdiagnosed the problem. Most of the time we are bewitched by self-doubt, not genuine fear (unless a tiger is about to devour us).

Self-doubt can afflict anyone, of course. When this occurs, the healthy approach is to combat it with action rather than remaining inert. The more alternatives you have for dealing with those tenuous times, the more quickly you’ll move through them.

If you quake at the thought of going out on your own and setting up shop, or are nervous about embarking on a new venture, here are six fearbashers that can reroute you back to the road to success.

° Do temporary work. March into a temporary help agency and get signed up for a short term project. When you get an assignment, don’t  think of this primarily as a way to earn money. Use this project to do some homework.

No matter what business you are sent to work in, observe what goes on in a detached and analytical manner.  You’ll quickly discover that all sorts of mistakes and mishaps (even stupid decisions) will be part of every day.

Now notice that despite this lack of perfection, the business manages to stay afloat. Notice that every business has huge margins for error and it doesn’t bring them crashing to their knees.

You can certainly do better than that, can’t you? So get out there and do it.

° Study a successful immigrant entrepreneur. A high percentage of people who come to the US from other parts of the world start their own businesses.

Imagine how much harder that would be in a strange culture where you may not speak the language. Yet, many of these newcomers have such a strong desire to build something of their own, a desire that they couldn’t fulfill in their homeland, that the obstacles melt in the face of that determination.

We natives often look like wimps next to the hardworking and committed businessowners who have been drawn to this land of opportunity. Let them inspire you.

° Fail on purpose. Young children try new things without thinking of success and failure. As we get older, many of us avoid any situation where we might not be brilliant. As a result, our world shrinks down to a short list of acceptable activities. This is not the road to self-actualization.

If you are terrified at the thought of failing, make a list all the things you are an utter klutz at doing. Then do something from that list once a week. At the very least, you may entertain your friends when you throw three gutter balls in a row.

At the other end of this temporary humiliation is all the power you’ll gain by surviving a minor failure.

° Develop a big roar. Next time you’re driving alone in your car, pretend you’re the Lion King or Queen. It worked in The Wizard of Oz and it will work for you, too. No kidding.

° Make Nathan Lane your patron saint. In 2000, the wildly talented Lane starred in his own television series which was downright awful. It was so terrible, in fact, that it only ran for a few painful episodes.

Had it been even mildly successful, Lane would have been taping the series instead of wowing audiences in The Producers, a big Broadway hit for which he won the Best Actor Tony  in 2001.

If you try something that turns out badly, think of it as your own failed series—and celebrate the end of your contract.

° Imagine your success. I am convinced that most people fail to go after their dreams or leave their comfort zones because they haven’t taken the time to really think about what rewards their ultimate success would bring them.

Instead, they console themselves by saying things like, “Well, this job or relationship or apartment isn’t really that bad.”

However, when you are focused on the rewards that will inevitably come, setbacks and disappointments are easier to handle. Often, in truth, what looks like a setback is just a resetting of the course and may, in the long run, make the journey sweeter.

That’s why it’s so important to be willing to defer short-lived gratification in order to have something grander in the future. But first you must envision it and sell yourself on the new and better life you foresee.

 

7 Holiday Gifts to Give to Yourself

If you arrived at the end of the holidays last year saying, “Thank goodness that’s over!”, you might decide to take a different approach this year. Although the holiday season is supposed to be a time of celebration, many of us find it the most stressful, even depressing, time of the year.

Since the holidays will go on with or without your participation, why not make them the happiest, warmest time possible? Begin by giving yourself a gift or two.

Here are some ideas for extra special gift giving that will eliminate the hassle and expand the pleasure in the busy weeks ahead.

° Give yourself the gift of plenty of time. No time of year is so fraught with feelings of “so much to do, so little time” as this one. The sooner you begin to organize your activities––allowing adequate time––the more relaxed you’ll stay.

Start by spending an evening writing out lists of everything you’ll have to do. Make a second list of ways to save time such as shopping off hours, ordering gifts by mail or online, letting the bakery provide the goodies.

° Give yourself the gift of saying “no”. Part of the overwhelming feeling that comes with the holidays is the result of thinking we have to accept every invitation, bake every cookie and run ourselves ragged in the process.

Decide now to say no to all those activities that don’t add to your pleasure. Prune your card list, gift list, guest list.

Make “Less is More” your motto this year. Your holidays will be more special if you go for quality, not quantity.

° Give yourself the gift of extra pampering. Pay more attention to soothing activities like a long, leisurely soak in the tub. Pamper yourself, too, by watching what you eat and drink.

Your nutritional well-being may dissolve when confronting a Yuletide dessert table. Maintain a moderate approach and offset the damage with extra vitamins and healthy foods.

° Give yourself the gift of a new tradition. One of the upsetting aspects of the holiday season is that it rarely lives up to our expectations. You may carry around warm memories of Christmas Past and your current reality can’t match those special moments with family and friends.

Your holidays will be more wonderful if you create some new traditions for yourself. If you are far from family, plan a celebration that includes others in the same situation.

Or plan a holiday unlike any you’ve ever had. Friends of mine realized a lifetime dream by spending their holidays in Hawaii. It was nothing like their usual South Dakota Christmas and it won’t be an annual event, but they’re glad that they broke with tradition and gave themselves a unique experience.

° Give yourself the gift of simplicity. The less complex you can make things, the more time and energy you’ll have to enjoy the season.

Unless you’re attending parties with the very same people, pick one great outfit and wear it over and over again.

Simplify your shopping by giving the same gift to several people or by having a theme for all of your gifts. Double up wherever you can.

° Give yourself the gift of hired help. Many enterprising folks start little service businesses to provide holiday help. For a reasonable fee, you can get assistance with party-giving, shopping, and errand running.

Don’t add to your stress by trying to do everything yourself. You and a friend can accomplish holiday chores in tandem, reducing the pressure on both of you.

° Give yourself the gift of laughter. If you want this time of year to be merry and bright, keep your sense of humor. Nothing will do more for helping you handle all of the extra activities with grace and poise.

When things go wrong or not according to plan, don’t  forget to keep laughing. Joy, delight and wonder exist when we make an effort to welcome them.

Determine now that you will, indeed, make this the best holiday season ever. Relax, smile and enjoy all of the giving and receiving that come with this time of year.

In so doing, you’ll give yourself and the people you love a holiday season that will be fondly remembered for years.

 

Staying Positive When Things Turn Negative

“April is the cruelest month,” mused T.S. Eliot. Obviously, he wasn’t around in October a few years back. While the weather had been magnificent, many people were not so inclined.

For background noise there was the nightly news with an unrelenting stream of stories about war, recession and political nastiness.

Closer at hand were the two women who left their manners at home when they came to my English tea class and the burglar who removed the battery from my car.

Staying positive in a negative world is challenging even in normal times, but this felt as if guerilla tactics were in order. Here are some of the most helpful I’ve found for getting past negative times and creating positive ones.

° Bombard yourself with positives. Overcompensate. Sondra Ray has a wonderful affirmation that goes, “Every negative thought immediately triggers three more powerful positive ones.”

If things are looking dim, consciously create the opposite thought. Keep your favorite books of inspiration close at hand and read at random during crisis moments.

° Take a proactive stance—and keep it. Nobody does a better job of explaining proactive vs. reactive behavior than Stephen Covey.

In his classic The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People he writes, “Proactive people focus their efforts on the things they can do something about. The nature of their energy is positive, enlarging and magnifying causing their circle of influence to increase. Reactive people, on the other hand, focus on the weakness of other people, the problems in the environment, and circumstances over which they have no control. Their focus results in blaming and accusing attitudes, reactive language and increased feelings of victimization.”

If you need more information about moving into a proactive position, revisit Covey’s book for practical suggestions.

° Indulge a passion. One year, I created two challenges for myself: to discover all the ways that chocolate and raspberries could be combined and to see all of the Monet paintings I could with my own two eyes.

Both of these quests added hours of pleasure when I was traveling—and when I was not. I highly recommend you give yourself a similar challenge.

° Catch someone doing something right and let them know. I noticed a woman at the airport in Chicago wearing a smart outfit. When she reappeared in Minneapolis, I walked up to her and told her I’d been admiring her clothes.

She thanked me and said, “You can probably tell by my accent that you’d have to go a long way to get one for yourself.”

“Where are you from?” I inquired. When she told me London was her hometown, I said, “Oh, but I’m going there next month!”

I came away with a warm feeling and a great shopping tip.

° Take yourself on a mini-retreat. Sometimes the only way to diffuse negative energy is to move yourself completely out of it. So plan a day or two doing something you normally wouldn’t do.

Spend Wednesday doing the Sunday crossword. Watch the seasons change at a cabin at the lake. Have a massage at bedtime.

While you are so engaged, concentrate fully on what’s going on in front of you—not the situation that upset you in the first place.

° Discover the hidden gift in the problem. When my car was burglarized, I was mighty upset. Then one of the handsomest men I have ever met arrived at my door (wearing his police uniform) and things began to look a bit brighter.

We even managed to laugh about the situation when he asked me to check the car for further theft. I looked around and told him all of my music CDs were in place. “I don’t suppose that people who steal batteries would steal Mozart, would they?” I asked.

Negative times can be profoundly diminished if you have tools for dealing with them.

Abraham Maslow once described the self-actualized person’s response to chaos by saying they behaved “like a clock ticking in a thunderstorm.”

It’s a picture I’ve tried to remember in crazy times and attempted to duplicate.

None of us is immune to life’s negative events, but it’s possible to minimize their impact. In the end, it’s really a matter of learning to starve our upsets and feed our opportunities.

 

New Life for Neglected Ideas

Neglected ideas are not unlike neglected pets. Ignore them long enough and they’ll stop trying to get your attention and slink off into a corner. Or they might sneak off to a neighbor’s home where they’re given the nurturing they deserve.

Kind of sad, don’t you think?

Last week John Williams and I had a conversation about this very thing. John, the author of the delightful Screw Work Let’s Play, a bestseller in the UK, has come up with a terrific idea of his own, one that is rescuing all sorts of neglected ideas.

I couldn’t wait to hear more. Thanks to the wonders of Skype (another brilliant idea), I had a lively chat with him in his London home.

Feel free to eavesdrop. Then gather up your abandoned project and bring it to life via the upcoming 30 Day Challenge.

John and partner Selina Barker are eager to guide, encourage and help you turn your project into a pampered pet. If you are willing to spend a few minutes every day for the month of October doing the work, they’ll provide the momentum.

Don’t delay another minute.

Join the 30 Day Challenge and prepare to amaze yourself.

You Asked For It…Well, Some of You Did

Since I shared my letter from Bill Bryson, I’ve gotten numerous requests from folks wondering what I had originally written to him. While I hadn’t planned to post that, I decided to give in to peer pressure.

As I said in my previous posts, my letter isn’t nearly so clever as the one I received in return.

When I write a fan letter to someone who seems approachable or has a sense of humor, I usually create a fake letterhead. In this case, the letterhead says Bill Bryson Fan Club, US Headquarters.

Since I had no address for him, I sent it to him at Traditional Home magazine, where he had a column.

And, yes, I may have slightly violated my daughter’s rules for writing a fan letter. This is what I said:

Last September when I was in London, I picked up a flyer at W.H. Smith which had an interview with you on the back page. My sister and I were so enchanted by it when we read it back at our hotel that we trotted right back to the store and bought Notes From a Small Island.

My sister convinced me to let her read the book since she was headed back to her home in Athens and the book was going back to Minnesota with me. She had spent the previous month in Oxford and said a taxi driver had entertained her by recounting an interview he’d heard with you on the radio.

Every night before going to bed, my sister would read a few chapters of your book. Since she was always laughing so hard, I’d force her to read aloud to me. We were both smitten.

When I got home, I went directly to Barnes & Noble to see if you were published here. I was so pleased to find your books and have recruited numerous fans for you.

I’ve also been thinking about the fact that you may, indeed, be currently residing on this side of the ocean. Is this so? I’m wondering if you have returned to Des Moines or are experiencing a different part of the country.

Since I was teaching a seminar in Des Moines a month ago, I asked my colleague there if she knew of you. She said, “Is that the guy who wrote the book saying all the women were fat in Iowa?” I admitted it was true, although that didn’t seem to me to be your most noteworthy observation.

On the odd chance that you might be residing somewhere in my neighborhood, I’d love to hear from you. Are you wincing? I, too, am an author and get such requests from time to time.

BUT if you are living around the corner and I didn’t even know it, I’d be sad to have missed you.

I do hope this letter finds you. I’ve been a bit perplexed about where to begin looking for you, but when the latest Traditional Home arrived this week, thought it was worth a shot.

At any rate, I wanted you to know how much pleasure your writing has given me and my Anglophile friends.

Your new fan,

Barbara Winter

 

Joy in My Mailbox

When she was a college student, my daughter wrote a fan letter to Linda Barry whose cartoons graced a local entertainment paper. In return, Barry sent her a drawing, which has been a cherished keepsake.

Jennie also devised her own rules for writing a fan letter. They are:

1) Don’t gush.

2) Do not assume the person getting the letter is interested in your life.

3) Stick to the point.

I don’t believe I’ve written a fan letter since without following those rules.

I thought of that as I was going through some old file folders today and came across one labeled Letters to Keep. At the front of the file was my all-time favorite letter that I’ve ever received in response to writing a fan letter.

I also have the original letter that I wrote, but it’s not nearly as amusing as the one I got back two months later. Even if you aren’t familiar with the letter writer, I think you’ll figure out that he knows a thing or two about  writing.

This is what  I found waiting one morning in my mailbox.

Dear (if I may be so forward) Barbara:

Many thanks for your letter of March 13, and huge, blushing apologies for the long, long delay in replying, but I have been away since March hiking the Appalachian Trail, so I am afraid your letter just missed me. I hope you can forgive me.

What can I possibly say in response to so many kind and flattering words, other than that I am having your letter enlarged and framed, and am instructing my children to memorize it? (They think I am a dork. I am not quite sure what that is, but I gather it is not a condition to aspire to.)

As you can see, we have indeed moved back to the States, specifically to New Hampshire, which we chose because we wanted to be on the east coast for easier access to England. It is wonderful and everybody loves it. If you are ever out this way, it would be my honor and pleasure to take you for meat loaf at  Lou’s Diner—a better offer than it sounds, believe me.

Until that happy day, I can but offer you my sincerest thanks for your very generous words. You don’t say what kind of author you are, and I fear that I am hopelessly out of touch with American letters, but I shall be looking for your work from now on, and can assure you that your books will now be displayed face out in all the leading bookstores in New England. (It’s not a problem; I go in to do my own regularly.)

Hope to meet you one day. Until then, and once again, many, many thanks and all very best wishes.

Yours sincerely,

Bill Bryson

By the way, we did eventually meet. I have a picture of Bryson, my sister Margaret and me at Vroman’s Bookstore to prove it. Alas, I can’t get WordPress to let me share it with you.

 

Staying Positive When Things Turn Negative

I’ve been going through 25 years of back issues of Winning Ways newsletter to gather my favorite articles that I’m collecting for an e-book. I came across this one from 1990 and thought it was worth sharing here as well.

“April is the cruelest month,” mused T.S. Eliot. Obviously, he wasn’t around in October. While the weather had been magnificent, many people were not so inclined. For background noise there was the nightly news with an unrelenting stream of stories about war, recession and political nastiness.

Closer at hand were the two women who left their manners at home when they came to my English tea class and the burglar who removed the battery from my car.

Staying positive in a negative world is challenging even in normal times, but this felt as if guerilla tactics were in order. Here are some of the most helpful I’ve found for getting past negative times and creating positive ones.

° Bombard yourself with positives. Overcompensate. Sondra Ray has a wonderful affirmation that goes, “Every negative thought immediately triggers three more powerful positive ones.”

If things are looking dim, consciously create the opposite thought. Keep your favorite books of inspiration close at hand and read at random during crisis moments.

° Take a proactive stance—and keep it. Nobody does a better job of explaining proactive vs. reactive behavior than Stephen Covey.

In his classic The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People he writes, “Proactive people focus their efforts on the things they can do something about. The nature of their energy is positive, enlarging and magnifying causing their circle of influence to increase.

“Reactive people, on the other hand, focus on the weakness of other people, the problems in the environment, and circumstances over which they have no control. Their focus results in blaming and accusing attitudes, reactive language and increased feelings of victimization.”

If you need more information about moving into a proactive position, revisit Covey’s book for practical suggestions.

° Indulge a passion. One year, I created two challenges for myself: to discover all the ways that chocolate and raspberries could be combined and to see all of the Monet paintings I could with my own two eyes. Both of these quests added hours of pleasure when I was traveling—and when I was not.

I highly recommend you give yourself a similar challenge.

° Catch someone doing something right and let them know. I noticed a woman at the airport in Chicago wearing a smart outfit. When she reappeared in Minneapolis, I walked up to her and told her I’d been admiring her clothes. She thanked me and said, “You can probably tell by my accent that you’d have to go a long way to get one for yourself.”

“Where are you from?” I inquired. When she told me London was her hometown, I said, “Oh, but I’m going there next month!”

I came away with a warm feeling and a great shopping tip.

° Take yourself on a mini-retreat. Sometimes the only way to diffuse negative energy is to move yourself completely out of it. So plan a day or two doing something you normally wouldn’t do.

Spend Wednesday doing the Sunday crossword. Watch the seasons change at a cabin at the lake. Have a massage at bedtime.

While you are so engaged, concentrate fully on what’s going on in front of you—not the situation that upset you in the first place.

° Discover the hidden gift in the problem. When my car was burglarized, I was mighty upset. Then one of the handsomest men I have ever met arrived at my door (wearing his police uniform) and things began to look a bit brighter.

We even managed to laugh about the situation when he asked me to check the car for further theft. I looked around and told him all of my music CDs were in place. “I don’t suppose that people who steal batteries would steal Mozart, would they?” I asked.

Negative times can be profoundly diminished if you have tools for dealing with them.

Abraham Maslow once described the self-actualized person’s response to chaos by saying they behaved “like a clock ticking in a thunderstorm.” It’s a picture I’ve tried to remember in crazy times and attempted to duplicate.

None of us is immune to life’s negative events, but it’s possible to minimize their impact. In the end, it’s really a matter of learning to starve our upsets and feed our opportunities.

 

Women Say the Smartest Things

In celebration of International Women’s Day, here’s a small sampling of my favorite wise thoughts shared by women.

You can only be truly accomplished at something you love. Do not make money the goal. Instead, pursue the things you love doing and do them so well that people can’t take their eyes off you. All the other tangible rewards will come as a result. ~ Maya Angelou

A disgruntled dreamer is a risky mentor. ~ Sarah Ban Breathnach

In order to have a real relationship with our creativity, we must take the time and care to cultivate it. ~ Julia Cameron

There are people who have money and people who are rich. ~ Coco Chanel

The secret of getting ahead is getting started. ~ Agatha Christie

I knew that to be at home in the world was the way to grow rich. The way I wanted to be rich. ~ Marlena deBlasi

You can’t test courage cautiously. ~ Annie Dillard

Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training. ~ Anna Freud

Do not surround yourself with people who do not have dreams. ~ Nikki Giovanni

If you pay attention to your dreams, they will begin to speak to you. ~ Natalie Goldberg

To practice means to perform, in the face of all obstacles, some act of vision, of faith, of desire. Practice is a means of inviting the perfection desired. ~ Martha Graham

And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more. ~ Erica Jong

Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn’t permanent. ~Jean Kerr

There are no medals at the end of life for long-term sufferers. ~ JoAnn Larsen

It takes no courage at all to do something if you are unaware of the danger. The real test of one’s courage is to risk all when the danger is known. ~ Eda LeShan

Sometimes I think creativity is magic. It’s not a matter of finding an idea, but allowing the idea to find you. ~ Maya Lin

The purpose of craft is not so much to make beautiful things as it is to become beautiful inside while you are making those things. ~ Susan Gordon Lydon

We are traditionally rather proud of ourselves for having slipped creative work in there between domestic chores and obligations. I’m not sure we deserve such big A-pluses for that. ~ Toni Morrison

We evolve at the rate of the tribe we’re plugged into. ~ Caroline Myss

Throw your dreams into space like a kite and you do not know what it will bring back: A new life, a new friends, a new love. ~ Anais Nin

Dreams are illustrations from the book your soul is writing about you. ~ Marsha Norman

Let me keep my mind on what matters, which is my  work, which is mostly standing still and learning to be astonished. ~ Mary Oliver

An idea in your head is merely an idle notion. But an idea written down, that’s the start of something. ~ Patricia T. O’Conner

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. ~ Dorothy Parker

Find out who you are and do it on purpose. ~ Dolly Parton

If nothing ever goes wrong, the chances are nothing ever goes at all. ~ Charlotte Paul

Inspiration is very polite. She knocks softly and then goes away if we don’t answer. ~ Mary Pipher

It is more important to live the life one wishes to live, and to go down with it if necessary, quite contentedly, than to live more profitably but less happily. ~ Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

To me the desire to create and to have control over your own life was very much part of the human spirit. What I didn’t fully realize was that work could open the doors to my heart. ~ Anita Roddick

I never set out to make a mark. I set out to do the thing I love most in the world and see if I was any good at it. ~ J.K. Rowling

When you think your dreams are impossible, that makes them invisible. ~ Barbara Sher

No one ever really asked me what my dreams were. Which was not such a bad thing. It allowed me the freedom to pursue my interests without interference or supervision. ~ Alice Steinbach

When I do and say what everyone else says and does, then no one calls me irresponsible. But at that time, I am. ~ Barry Stevens

What I discovered is that when you make the time and space for what you long to do, everything else shifts to accommodate it. It never works the other way around. If you wait until there’s time to do what you want, you’ll be waiting until your eighty-fifth birthday. ~ Sarah Susanka

Opportunities are like pole beans. You have to keep picking them so more can grow. ~ Hope Wallis

If you’re busy regretting the past, then a new future can’t come in. ~ Marianne Williamson

 

More Fun, More Money

Participants had the pleasure of meeting the delightful Marianne Cantwell at the Joyfully Jobless Jamboree in Austin last October. It was the first time I’d met her, too.

According to her Website, Marianne Cantwell is a Free Range Human, and an unconventional career change expert who helps people escape the 9-5 and do what they love (even when they have no idea what that is yet).

I would describe Marianne as one of the most grounded free spirits I’ve ever met. Smart, creative and devoted to helping others escape the cubicle cage, she’s also the only person (besides myself) I’ve heard use the term “bespoke careers.”

Marianne is living her own entrepreneurial dream and she’s eager to share what she’s learned. Do yourself a big favor and spend a few minutes watching this video and getting to know this amazing woman.

Click Here to Learn More

Who’s Your Customer?

Although retirement is not a word in my vocabulary, I’ve been noticing all the tv ads designed to appeal to those taking the plunge.

There’s the whimsical Raymond James ad telling the story of the fastidious librarian Emily Skinner who lived to the age of 187 without running out of money.

Then there are the When I Grow Up ads from AARP which inspire viewers to realize that it’s never too late to try something new. Seniors wistfully describe their plans for rescuing old houses, running a marathon or becoming a teacher.

Charles Schwab takes a different approach. Using something called rotoscoping animation, the series seems to favor cranky clients who have been abused by other financial service companies.

The current Schwab ad may be the most curmudgeonly of the batch. It features a man who begins by saying (and I’m paraphrasing since I couldn’t bear to watch it once more), “Some financial planners seem to think retirement is a dream. It’s some magic number or beaches houses or vineyards.”

After ranting for a moment in this vein, he ends with, “A vineyard? Give me a break.”

When I hear that, I don’t think, “I’d better call Chuck.” My reaction is, “I’m glad I don’t know that guy.”

And that’s just fine. I’m not in the market for Schwab’s services, but that’s not the point here.

All three of these ads are  designed to appeal not just to anyone thinking about retirement. They’re designed for a specific group of people who might be in the market for what they have to offer.

Who do you want to do business with? Make sure you’re speaking their language.